Dear Australia

I have disliked you since before I ever walked into your sunshine. 

When I was young I read about your indigenous persecution, your convict beginnings, your racist backwater mentality. And I guess I came to see it all up close. Did a deeper awareness draw me here to a desert island when I hate deserts? I came with a broken heart and a confused mind, decisions coming from that place were all unconscious.

I was planning to leave you before I even landed on your shore. I had a 4 year plan that turned to 5, that led me to a personal dead-end, which led me back to you. 

  I have Reasons To Stay now, as big as my Reasons To Leave.  I swear once again that this will be the last year. 

  I realize now that whether I stay or go is not entirely in my control. 

Here is one valuable thing you have taught me: my comings and goings and plans are like bottles in the ocean. I can launch them, but I cannot know when and where they will reach their destination. 

  On this Invasion Day 2022, I think of you, your national insecurity, your lack of groundedness in place, your beautiful beaches and opportunity and restaurants that close too early and your love of fines and rules and alcohol, your strange accent and bizarre slang. 

I can't wait to miss you.