I've never known who I am, but I have always appreciated the magic of the world. I've been attached to its rhythms and manifestations.
I don't know what it means to be lost or to be found.
I'm not exactly sure what happiness is.
I love the moon. I love dandelions. I love horses. No one had to tell me that or introduce me or help me appreciate them. Those came naturally.
I had a good dad. Have. And a good mom. And both of them made great big mistakes and also did so many things right and they tried hard. And they were sincere. I haven't raised any kids, but I've been responsible for some and spent a lot of time caring for some, enough to appreciate that it doesn't take long to make great big mistakes with them and it's sometimes really really hard to do the right things or to know what those things are. But even before I knew this, I forgave my parents for any things I felt they did wrong with me. The damage doesn't disappear with that statement, just like it didn't disappear for them. And since it's a relationship that goes both ways, I can say I have made great big mistakes with them too.
I worry a lot that the magic has gone for me. Like, it's not coming back because maybe I discovered there never was actually any magic to begin with.
My memory isn't good. Maybe thats why I forgive so easily, I can't fucking remember why I should be upset. Probably that. Its probably not because I have a good heart or that I love better.
I've lived through very isolated times and it I think hasn't made me more resilient. I think it's damaged my brain. I don't have enough love chemical pathways now maybe. I worry a lot. Fights make me overwhelmed, scared to death and sick. I feel little about lost friendships or not feeling part of a family or the possibility of a relationship break up. Its painful but also numbing.
I feel a lot about losing the earth. I love this planet really. This gets me upset more than anything else. Perhaps it's just projection.
I don't know who I am and I worry there is no magic and we are losing the planet and I try to be loving, but it seems like it could be just habit and my memory isn't good.
I don't know what it means to be lost or to be found.
I'm not exactly sure what happiness is.
I love the moon. I love dandelions. I love horses. No one had to tell me that or introduce me or help me appreciate them. Those came naturally.
I had a good dad. Have. And a good mom. And both of them made great big mistakes and also did so many things right and they tried hard. And they were sincere. I haven't raised any kids, but I've been responsible for some and spent a lot of time caring for some, enough to appreciate that it doesn't take long to make great big mistakes with them and it's sometimes really really hard to do the right things or to know what those things are. But even before I knew this, I forgave my parents for any things I felt they did wrong with me. The damage doesn't disappear with that statement, just like it didn't disappear for them. And since it's a relationship that goes both ways, I can say I have made great big mistakes with them too.
I worry a lot that the magic has gone for me. Like, it's not coming back because maybe I discovered there never was actually any magic to begin with.
My memory isn't good. Maybe thats why I forgive so easily, I can't fucking remember why I should be upset. Probably that. Its probably not because I have a good heart or that I love better.
I've lived through very isolated times and it I think hasn't made me more resilient. I think it's damaged my brain. I don't have enough love chemical pathways now maybe. I worry a lot. Fights make me overwhelmed, scared to death and sick. I feel little about lost friendships or not feeling part of a family or the possibility of a relationship break up. Its painful but also numbing.
I feel a lot about losing the earth. I love this planet really. This gets me upset more than anything else. Perhaps it's just projection.
I don't know who I am and I worry there is no magic and we are losing the planet and I try to be loving, but it seems like it could be just habit and my memory isn't good.
posted by hymenoptera's honey at 2:00 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home