the ethics of liberation
My paternal grandfather is dying. There is a global pandemic and so I am unable to travel across the oceans to be with my family.
But I'm not sure if I were able to, that I would.
My grandparents had 8 children who lived. 4 of them were excommunicated, abandoned, disowned when I was barely a teenager.
My father is on the side who weren't abandoned. The uncle who my father was closest to is on the other side. An aunt who took me in and cared for me like I was her own when I went away to college is on the other side. My father 'secretly' communicated with both of them.
Dad once asked me if my brother were ever to tell me that he had done something horrible to him if I would choose my brother over my father. I was 19. I told him I would never abandon my brother for any reason. What I didn't and maybe couldn't then articulate was that a good father would never put his child into that position.
But this is what my grandfather did.
Those 4 kids said that my grandfather was abusive and that he should admit it. I have never been given details of all of the abuse. I do know that he was aggressive, condoned violence, was racist, misogynistic, and my father has detailed some of the abuse to me. Mostly physical abuse. My dad had recurrent nightmares into his adulthood about a gorilla coming into his room to attack him. I know that my father displays physical discomfort around his dad. I know that my dad has said that he disassociated with what his father did to him, knowing that he would survive and be the same person no matter what had happened to him. I know that my father left a vacation abruptly in anger where we were all staying with my grandparents when we were young kids because my grandfather suggested he physically beat us.
Because people usually have their children when they are young, too young to assess and deal with and begin healing from their own childhood abuse, they pass on the pain to their children. The suffering continues this way for generations. This is certainly true in my family.
The dying days of this man, who was undoubtedly abused himself, is for me fraught with complicated emotions.
He would like to wipe those 4 kids from his reality. Maybe it is that easy for him.
Yet, just like so many victims of violence, the reality is not so easily erased from his children's' lives.
I owe no loyalty to him or to his silence. If I were to talk about my partner's ethnicity with him, he would be full of racism, and maybe in his younger years even disown me as well for it.
I do not wish him suffering. And I wish that in time, the pain he caused in this world will be forgotten and in its place, health and love.
I hope with all my heart that I become lucky enough to have my own healthy child, her own heritage in defiance of his hatred and my openness and love in defiance of the plague of pain, fanaticism and violence that has run through my paternal lineage. I hope we can all learn from the heartbreak and separation in our family's past and create a new story.
I am grateful that my grandfather and grandmother brought my father and his siblings into the world. And I humbly admit I cannot know even the beginning of the whys and hows of this tiny strand of the world's story. And of course, even through the tragedy there is beauty. And for humans, beauty can hardly exist without love. And so, I love my grandfather. And I hope he finds peace. And I hope we all do.
But I'm not sure if I were able to, that I would.
My grandparents had 8 children who lived. 4 of them were excommunicated, abandoned, disowned when I was barely a teenager.
My father is on the side who weren't abandoned. The uncle who my father was closest to is on the other side. An aunt who took me in and cared for me like I was her own when I went away to college is on the other side. My father 'secretly' communicated with both of them.
Dad once asked me if my brother were ever to tell me that he had done something horrible to him if I would choose my brother over my father. I was 19. I told him I would never abandon my brother for any reason. What I didn't and maybe couldn't then articulate was that a good father would never put his child into that position.
But this is what my grandfather did.
Those 4 kids said that my grandfather was abusive and that he should admit it. I have never been given details of all of the abuse. I do know that he was aggressive, condoned violence, was racist, misogynistic, and my father has detailed some of the abuse to me. Mostly physical abuse. My dad had recurrent nightmares into his adulthood about a gorilla coming into his room to attack him. I know that my father displays physical discomfort around his dad. I know that my dad has said that he disassociated with what his father did to him, knowing that he would survive and be the same person no matter what had happened to him. I know that my father left a vacation abruptly in anger where we were all staying with my grandparents when we were young kids because my grandfather suggested he physically beat us.
Because people usually have their children when they are young, too young to assess and deal with and begin healing from their own childhood abuse, they pass on the pain to their children. The suffering continues this way for generations. This is certainly true in my family.
The dying days of this man, who was undoubtedly abused himself, is for me fraught with complicated emotions.
He would like to wipe those 4 kids from his reality. Maybe it is that easy for him.
Yet, just like so many victims of violence, the reality is not so easily erased from his children's' lives.
I owe no loyalty to him or to his silence. If I were to talk about my partner's ethnicity with him, he would be full of racism, and maybe in his younger years even disown me as well for it.
I do not wish him suffering. And I wish that in time, the pain he caused in this world will be forgotten and in its place, health and love.
I hope with all my heart that I become lucky enough to have my own healthy child, her own heritage in defiance of his hatred and my openness and love in defiance of the plague of pain, fanaticism and violence that has run through my paternal lineage. I hope we can all learn from the heartbreak and separation in our family's past and create a new story.
I am grateful that my grandfather and grandmother brought my father and his siblings into the world. And I humbly admit I cannot know even the beginning of the whys and hows of this tiny strand of the world's story. And of course, even through the tragedy there is beauty. And for humans, beauty can hardly exist without love. And so, I love my grandfather. And I hope he finds peace. And I hope we all do.
posted by hymenoptera's honey at 8:07 PM
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