i have been inside this strange place...land??? for years. many years.
i understand a little more of its complexities all the time, but i do not want to know. i do not want to know any more of it.

but still we have not let each other go yet.

i remember what i once knew, once felt.  but that has left me a long time ago. i'm sure i don't even know how to find it anymore.

anyway, there might not be a point to finding the lost parts now.
i am like the world, the rest of it, the earth, how she has lost parts of herself, how they cannot be regained for a long long time.
and we are bound to the process, all of us. myself.
why should i have any peace?

and maybe it's that deserving part where i am stuck. if i in fact walk right past red flags, walk right into situations and places that i know will hurt and entangle me, why do i do it?
the entanglement with the pain of the world is what i deserve.

i am her.

and so this is why i stay. this is why i cannot have any paradise. i don't believe it's real. i don't believe it's any place i should be.