it's ok to crumble, i've seen this before

So.
I am listening to the song he played for me that night in hataitai. He asked me if I knew the words, and I only knew part of them and he filled them in for me.
I cried for myself, like we all do. Like he was doing. Singing me that song was the most direct he could be. He'd had a hard year, and I wanted to camp out and he wanted to fuck around in the dark.

I wanted to believe we were the same. And we are, but just...put together differently. That was one of many thousands of gorgeous sepia toned moments we shared.

And now I need him to release me. It's the last punishment, the last hold out. That's the thing about those earthed water types.
They can wait for ages.
Ages of moons changing.


Still learning. Even from this far away, there is still so much to understand. The surety is that I will continue to fail. And I'd like to be able to accept that in advance.

But. Come on now.

Let's pack it up, baby.

Let's disassemble that marriage bed, scatter the photos, let it become compost for the next season's fertility.

Let's let the wind take our unscreamed screams and the ocean absorb our uncried tears. Let's admit defeat, let's begin the ending.

Tonight is the 13th anniversary of the night we fell in love.
See? My heart knows. I am so grateful for all of it. So grateful.

Could there be anything else that I need to realize? What do we need to do to release this beautiful living thing that was our connection?

I am patiently waiting, I am holding the space for you to join the ending, the grand finale, the post climactic resolution, the last goodbye. I am ready for the after, I am ready for the new growth on the buried dead.
I am open to what it requires of us, this closing ceremony. I am admittedly terrible at endings. But, what we grew together, I believe it deserves an Impeccable Attention.

Here is your invitation. Honey, Topher, Baby. Let's let it go.

Love always