Spell

I've walked her in on the lemniscate, just to remind everyone in whose lap I'm sitting. 
   
   She brought friends. 

Here we come 2014. 

Buzz buzz

When I get you home

I am burning.  On fire.  I am shaking and melting. 
  I'm riding my bike home from work.  And I am going by an open field of a park next to the harbor and it is windy and people are flying kites. 

When I was a kid, kites used to fill me with absolute joy and ecstasy.  

    And, I am watching those flying kites and I am overriding the adult mundane mind that cannot find joy in something like that with no purpose and I am connecting to that joy. 
  I continue pedaling and I come right next to the harbor, to a quiet spot under the bridge.  And the sea speaks to me.  And I remember my love for her, my deep desire to be in her.  For the first time in many months i remember.   And I stop.  Drink her in. 

     Now  I remember my dad teaching me to ride a bike, I remember the happiness of having my first bike....rainbow banana seat bike.  A dream. 
  When I get home,  I see part of an American show and it's in the south.  And the houses, the way the steps come down the front and the way it all looks....I can FEEL my country.   I can FEEL how it is to be there.  And I know I am ready to start developing a new relationship to it. 
  I am sensual today.  I am feeling it all.  
 

    .......How it feels to pedal a bike up a steep hill,  how it feels to hold a horse stance until muscles shake, how it feels to touch a client's tissue and allow it to find it's rightful place, how the salty wind feels from a salt marsh at high tide.....
   Love permeates me.  Longing overtakes me several times a day and I might forget to breathe it is so intoxicating.  
I have surrendered myself, my limbs, my mouth a hundred times just this week to a lover in my heart. 
   Burning, on fire, shaking, melting. 
I have delayed gratification like an epic heroine.  

  No amount of chocolate bars or care packages of the elusive graham crackers will quench this thirst.

In response to such deprivation,  the moon has turned my senses up.  I am nearly howling in the street. 
     
    

it's ok to crumble, i've seen this before

So.
I am listening to the song he played for me that night in hataitai. He asked me if I knew the words, and I only knew part of them and he filled them in for me.
I cried for myself, like we all do. Like he was doing. Singing me that song was the most direct he could be. He'd had a hard year, and I wanted to camp out and he wanted to fuck around in the dark.

I wanted to believe we were the same. And we are, but just...put together differently. That was one of many thousands of gorgeous sepia toned moments we shared.

And now I need him to release me. It's the last punishment, the last hold out. That's the thing about those earthed water types.
They can wait for ages.
Ages of moons changing.


Still learning. Even from this far away, there is still so much to understand. The surety is that I will continue to fail. And I'd like to be able to accept that in advance.

But. Come on now.

Let's pack it up, baby.

Let's disassemble that marriage bed, scatter the photos, let it become compost for the next season's fertility.

Let's let the wind take our unscreamed screams and the ocean absorb our uncried tears. Let's admit defeat, let's begin the ending.

Tonight is the 13th anniversary of the night we fell in love.
See? My heart knows. I am so grateful for all of it. So grateful.

Could there be anything else that I need to realize? What do we need to do to release this beautiful living thing that was our connection?

I am patiently waiting, I am holding the space for you to join the ending, the grand finale, the post climactic resolution, the last goodbye. I am ready for the after, I am ready for the new growth on the buried dead.
I am open to what it requires of us, this closing ceremony. I am admittedly terrible at endings. But, what we grew together, I believe it deserves an Impeccable Attention.

Here is your invitation. Honey, Topher, Baby. Let's let it go.

Love always

Trade off

This past year, and the one before it have been filled with enormous work efforts.  Long hours and chewing big bites. 
  I don't enjoy admitting limitations,  but I can clearly see written in my body the price for all this driving effort. 
Spending so much energy to make money that I have nothing left for any other pursuit is dampening my creativity, killing the healing connection in my work and dulling my brain.  And it's harming my body. 
   So, this coming year I would like to ask Sophia for some help with the leap.  I'm smart enough to do this.  I need to let go of a victim mentality and undramatically grab the reins of my own goat chariot.   But I want to REALIZE the truth deeply, not just intellectually as I have just done. 
  It's my year.  The year of the horse.   Here's to riding it happily off in to the sunset.  Several times. 

  

Conundrum

I am tired of the calculations and the plotting.  I have held in secrets that do not completely belong to me.  I have been allowing inequities and abuses to go unchecked in the bargain. 
   All this I am carrying now. 
The damage, I have believed,  that I incurred due to this will be healed when it is over. 

And I have reached the end of allowable suffering in relationship to this task. 

  Today I was asked to go a little further.  Well, not a little further.  A lot further.  Could I risk thousands,  the big desert land and the little green island?
    Can I risk my health and sanity? 
  
Sigh.

        

the dance

there are feelings and senses and movings inside of me that desire to become manifest. and the tools to make them so are these sore fingers, this distracted mind.
i am in the midst of change, like i was in 1978 when i was birthed. that year some young westerners asked a great sage what was going to happen to us with all the threats of nuclear war and crises. he answered that for 40 years it would remain so and then it would change. not to worry.

maybe.
maybe not.
but those are the first 40 years of this incarnation's fate. what a gorgeous destiny to be born a woman in post modern usa, born in relative poverty to spiritual seekers.
i have been thinking about how in my 20's, being sick to death of false religion of so many sorts, i gave in to cynicism.
and to the overstimulation that had encouraged that cynicism's birth, i sought escape. on the opposite side of my beloved planet, on a tiny green island in the pacific i found magic. home. it took more than bravery to slay that dragon cynic. and there are more epic battles to be fought, battles i fight even now.

the truth seems so simple, and yet so hard to retain a true grasp of. that every falsity contains within it the seed of truth. we cannot be handed the truth for free, as we expect. we must dig and battle for maybe a thousand years to discover that seed and then perhaps we will have been made fertile enough for it to germinate in us and take root and transform the sun into nourishment, growth, life.

sophia. she says it is correct to embrace maya if it is with a sincere heart and with true love. for that is the only way we can find the truth in this world. maya loves us so much she will give us exactly what we want.
jump from the intent of sophia into maya's arms and follow melissa through the veils. ohm. hummm.

now, to dance. ananda tandava.

Movement

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my landing in sydney and my first night in surry hills, 508 riley st. 
   And tonight is my first night in the new place, in a new life. 

The first quiet moments here alone were piercing.   I cried for the emptying, and just as quickly I was being filled up with an ocean of gratitude and sunlight and an inexplicable feeling....something like lightness, but stronger and deeper. 

  So, this is how it's gone so far....I step out with trepidation on one hand and bold excitement on the other.  And somehow the step itself is rewarded with a certain kind of success.  Success of movement. 
    And.  These days, it is enough.