enough grows

Conditional acceptance. He loved me so much he gave his life for me. And then told me I had better not screw it up, this amazing gift. Things are expected of me. I am supposed to be good. NO! Be better!

I was so straight. I resisted, I persisted.

Then, I learned another rule. Another so simple, so laid out for me. "All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals" So, I believed it. And there was no trying. I was already right.

Mother.

Uncontional acceptance. She loved me so much she was me and I, her. And my blood and my breasts and my dirty thoughts, my vulgar desires were all hers. She loved to be fed chocolate cake and to writhe among naked bodies. Nothing is perverse to the mother......except the father.

MMMMMM.....I was so sensual. I surrendered. I merged.

And then there is the nothing. The no thing. The nihilistic orphan. I am chasing pleasure, and I am following rules. But, without believing.

The truth is, I think, that there are people suffering. That's it. There are neglected children, there are hungry millions, there is injustice, corruption. And there are wealthy people suffering. Many whom I know, who have never been hungry or homeless, but whose hearts bleed. I am one of them. I am in a living room with a flat screen TV, using broadband. My belly is full of fantastic nourishing vegetables and grains and lamb. The view from the glass door leading out onto the balcony is of the sea nestling up against green foothills who themselves nestle up to greater mountains. I could go on, but the point is, I am not completely satisfied with paradise. I suffer anyway. There's the truth. "Just when you think that you've got enough, enough grows. And everywhere that you go in life, enough knows."

I was born American. Which is great. And it's also like having a "kick me" sign stuck to your back.

My father has gotten an opportunity to go to Hungary to help orphaned children develop skills that may keep them out of prostitution when they become adults. And, I think that is where it's at. So, I've spent all this time on me, which is a favorite pass time where I'm from. We read books to help us develop healthy relationships and we study yoga and tai chi to keep our bodies attractive and young, we read about how fucked up we are because we were born to protestants or catholics or hippies or whatever. We delve deep into our inner selves to search for a sense of peace and meaning. We take flower essences to repair the subtle damage done to us when our mothers failed to respond properly to our needs. We learn how to radiate positive energy to the universe so it will give us our desires (which we will be unsatisfied with). We work on ourselves so we can (supposedly) benefit others, be the change we seek. But, it feels to me, right now, that we don't quite get to the level of reaching out.

It might be that simple. We don't pray to end suffering, we go to where it is and we start working. Like mother Theresa. Yes. We just stop sending positive vibes out from our hearts like animated care bears, and we get on a plane or in a car and go to where we can do some good. And then just do it.

Yes. I think I will. Not because I hope it will fix my issues or I'll learn some deep truth about myself or the nature of reality. Not to serve God or Goddess or to experience another culture or lifestyle. The reason could be as simple as.....it needs to be done, and I can do it.

Is this what happens when a woman who loves to nurture chooses to not have children? Could be.

Oh, my love.

You'll be with me all the time. Right in my care bear heart.