synara

I lost my virginity bareback on a horse. It was my first love. It was the relationship I had dreamt of since early childhood. I had fantasized all of the subtleties of how it would feel, of how it would look, of what the surroundings would be. This love became my obsession before it ever existed materially.

And when we finally met, with my father's blessing, it was electric. Everything else in the world was second to this passion.

She. Became. My. World.

And my world was never the same.

Dozens of loves have come and gone since that first one, and she has remained through them all. The most passionate affairs and the longest of the sweet loves do not elicit as deep an emotional pull from within when I think of them as she does.

The scent of her after exertion, the softness of her gaze, the aloof manner she greeted with, the sound of her lapping and the peace of late evenings alone together have imprinted on me in a place beyond the reach of time and reason.

I wondered a couple weeks ago...."what happens to me when a being holding such symbolic and spiritual importance to me is gone?"

And last weekend, like this moment fades into the past, she disappeared.

I can still find myself fully in the moment when, as a teenager, I grasped mane in my left hand and jumped myself onto her back. I can feel the warmth of her skin and the solidness of her muscles beneath me, touching me in the most sensitive point of my body, the point of greatest receptivity. I can feel the balance of her and I being in the same place, I can feel my body know how to move with her without thought, without effort. I can feel the airborne moment when she lifted us over a log or the power with which she scrambled us up a hill or through deep mud.

I can also remember the deep sorrow of separation from her, of knowing my own immaturity and desire for exotic places had driven a wedge I was never able to lever out.

And now, here, in a moment of my life when I am exerting my greatest effort to turn the wheel of my life and fate, she fades into non-existence. She. She was a turning of that wheel herself.

I promised her things, I buried things in her. Those things are kept.

Tonight, the kisses are all for her. The love is all surrounding her. Oh, my sweetest darling love of my whole life, the sun shall never set on this love. I take you with me into my present, again and again for all the moments I might have.