reincarnation

What a wave of defeat that washes over me as I come to realize that, while love is probably the answer, I am incapable of being that love.

What a mess on the floor I am to know that the load I have to carry is much heavier than I first estimated.

What does it take to be the kind of love that I do not know? What action does that love take now? I can't tell if it is silent, or if it wails. Does it reach out or does it keep to itself? How does it react to the pain?

The desire to connect remains. But, it may be a selfish desire. And, though I have sung the praises of selfishness for the length of my last incarnation, I am shedding that skin for a new embodiment. And perhaps the worship of selfishness must be shed too.

The deep brown eyes drown me. They hold me under the water and I am struggling against their power. But I have struggled so many times for air. Maybe this time I should surrender and die.

Yes. If I let go, I may wash up on a beach somewhere.

It is a slow, heavy realization that I cannot rescue anyone. Perhaps the truth is, the best I can be is conduit for a love I do not comprehend and to not be attached to how that love is or isn't received.

I offer it to you, this love. It is so imperfect in me. By that, I mean it is a crooked flow, it pools some places because there are dams, and it rushes over rocky bits. But it is for you. You can have it in kisses, you can have it in hugs, you can have it in friendship, you can have it in any way.