poverty

..............is relative.
But I fear it more than disease or pain. I am sometimes proud to be poor, sometimes ashamed. Sometimes I let it hurt me, but it doesn't have to. I have been briefly homeless and it was a pretty good experience overall, but I fear it ever happening again. I've never been without food for long periods or without a warm coat or hat.
I am rich in love blablabla..... That may be, but I doubt anyone with any money would give it up to be in my position, love or no love.
For the duration of my life so far, my money tank has had a small odd shaped IN hole and a huge, drafty OUT hole.
I suppose I could use this experience instead of hating it all the time.
I think that it could be fun....never knowing how enough money is going to come in to satify the gas and electric company, the county, the township, the village, the mortgage company, the student loan people, the grocery store, the credit card companies, the phone company, the internet service provider......ect. It's like a game. Rich people only have to think about where their next trip will be or what new restaurant to patronize or what new clothes to buy or how to handle their money so that they have infinitely more. How stupid and boring.
My sweet neighbors just stopped over to give us a christmas card and cookies.
See? Who needs money when you have cookies?

I was thinking yesterday about the word "husband" Originally it comes from "house-bound" as in when you find a wife, you move in with her family and are tied to her land and animals and dwelling place....hence the meaning of "husbandry"
But, it doesn't even remotely mean that anymore to anyone I know. More often it is associated with deceit, not living up to expectations, being tied down, dirty laundry and unappreciativeness. A husband brings to mind someone you might pay the bills with, not a lover or a friend. I never thought about all this when I was getting married because it was all about sharing our love with our community and all that hippie love shite. That is how I still see it, by the way. However, I notice that since we legally married, and I use the word husband to refer to Chris in certain situations to avoid confusion, all the bullshit that everyone else attaches to the word gets attached to him.
I am boycotting the word in reference to my own until I see fit. Howdeedoo!

loverly bunch of coconuts deedleeedee

Persephone is beside me and she is passionately forming small howls into the kitchen. She loves winter and snow and cold. I want to open the door to her and let her run into it, roll and romp and roam. But the neighborhood prefers that I don't and they have the cops on their side. I tell Persephone that all cops go to hell, but that doesn't help her now.
In my culture, people believe everyone should stay in their houses and on their own property and be quiet. I guess it works. That way we can move around to different neighborhoods whenever we want and not have to get to know a whole new community or learn to get along or any of that.
What if everyone in your community, like maybe 50 of them on your street or block or whatever all lived in the same big house.....what if in the cities those houses were connected to other houses to create an antlike community? Not like an apartment, closer. Not one kitchen for every person, but 2 or 3 huge kitchens. I guess the world isn't set up for that. Your kids wouldn't ask to go play with the neighbors....they already would be playing with them because they live in the same house. You don't have to cook every day, there might be a rotation of a few people a day cooking meals for everyone.
It seems to me we are in a process of trying to evolve out of our social nature. Maybe suicide and drug addicts are just natural selection of those in the population that simply cannot live like that.
Just a thought. There are all kinds of things happening in the universe all at once. I was just channeling one of them.
Mainly I want you to know that I love you very much and I want the best for you.....because that also happens to be the best for me.

chronicles of jesusia

We just got home through another blizzard that we fought through to see the "Chronicles of Narnia" It was like being in church for me. It's like C.S. Lewis stole all the good creatures that christianity killed and brought them back to retell a more magical story of jesus. Something like that. I know most people will enjoy the movie...the story is really good and the picture beautiful and the characters lovable and all that.....but for me, I just see the bible. And today I'm sick of the bible. I'm sick of the followers of it and their vast stupidity, their hatred, their destruction of everything. I am pissed at their god AND the horse he rode in on. They have spread all over the globe and claimed it for their own, they wrote the laws, they renamed the holidays, and they still bitch that its not enough. They have their own channels on television where they get upset about the small pieces of the world they don't control.
I'm not an outsider. They raised me, they spoonfed me guilt and superiority. I memorized all the rules for prizes, I lived and breathed and believed all of it, the inner workings, the small details.
That's why I think its all poop. Poop poop poop poop.
I don't know what C.S Lewis was trying to do, maybe he was channeling some ancient myths that christians made their own or maybe he wanted to tell a good story with a background that meant something to him, but if he's anything like the christians I know, he was probably trying to lure children in by any means possible to validate his belief system, thereby giving himself points in heaven and making him feel all warm and good inside.
I'm slightly bitter, which pisses me off.
So..I'm angry and bitter. Great. And sarcastic. Merry Christmas
Yikes.

on second thought

I see it now, glowering at me like a teacher who knows I should know better. The problem is not with the climate. How could it be? The problem is with my perception. There is always something wrong......too hot, too dry, too wet, too cold, too remote, too expensive, too populated....you see where I am going. I am not in the wrong environment. I am, like my friends and neighbors, ill prepared. I am dependent on a scarce system of heat and food. If the electricity fails, I am without light, heat and water....and most of my food. If the electricity fails, my furry friends are virtually unaffected. They depend on me like I depend on my coffee maker (which I have been happy and healthy without for a week now).
My relationship to the natural world, sadly, is a fear based one. I'll be testing the depth of my dependency this January when I take my beautiful and talented friend April back to the wilderness school. www.teachingdrum.org
In well below sub zero temps I will be without electricity.
I have been through the mosquito class there and was surprised that what I thought would be a big deal was not. For instance, getting swarmed by mosquitos, in essence purposefully feeding them, was less of a problem than being without sugar and coffee. Or experiencing my menstrual cycle in the woods with no running water was no concern at all, but the traditional sweat lodge I participated in was like nearly dying.
So my point is, .........................yes, they call me hippie dammit!!!

cold

I agree with the idea that its entirely ridiculous to live in an environment where you have to shield yourself off from the elements for nearly half of the year so you won't die. I'm speaking, of course, of my home......michigan. There is a storm, ANOTHER one, blowing in tonight. Snow falling at a slant due to the wind, and with no trees to stop it because of clear cutting done long before I was born, the road placement in this county is anyone's guess.
Our pipes froze and burst. Too cold under the house or some damn thing and we have no water. Hurray for house ownership. So I am one with the furry creatures, squatting in the storm to pee.
This is perfectly stupid. Not peeing outside, I mean enduring this weather for months on end. I am seriously thinking that it would be a good idea to live where cold meant 40 degrees and snow gets everyone excited because it only lasts a few hours. I encourage all my friends and family to come with me, let's leave this madness behind. We don't need to shiver, we don't deserve frozen toes and endless cloudy days....it's our human birthright to see the sun!!!!! You know it's true.
Somewhere there's a place for us. I'm going to look at realtor.com right now. I do not damn this town, it's been done. I just want out.
good luck and good night

god

enlightenment is returning to innocence without being innocent.....it's being as though you don't know when you really do........reaching a goal that you no longer have. I happened upon this realization at an age when I was still innocent and I didn't know. I figured then that I would just avoid the circle. I would stay innocent, I would never join the masses. Denial. I was corrupted before I could even form those thoughts. I was born to inherit a frightening view of god that will color my experience always. Rebellion. The first reaction to repression....like a two year old. Does the toddler know that his reaction, although passionate, is weak? It is not a sign of independence, it's only indicative of powerlessness. If a toddler had the power to choose his destiny, he would not have to rebel.
I'm tired of rebellion.
I am almost completely grateful for the ambient glow of the christmas tree in a warm house. I very nearly truly appreciate a beautiful loving relationship. I come close to losing myself in the sensuality of a perfect home cooked meal.
I try to emulate my dogs when I remember.
*****************************************************************
This is a poem or whatever in one of my favorite books ever.........an echo of my feelings about god.........don't remember the author.....but it's on page 68 of "the shamanic way of the bee"


I
do not
believe in god
because I've never seen him.
If he wanted me to believe in him then surely
he would come in through my door saying "Here I am." But
if god is the hive and the honeybee and pollen and nectar and sun and
moon, then I believe in her and I believe in her at every moment and my life is
a prayer and a celebration and a communion with the eyes and through
the ears. I honor her by living spontaneously as a woman who
open her eyes and truly sees, and I call her the hive
and the honeybee and pollen and sun and moon.
And I love her without thinking of her, and
I think of her by seeing and hearing,
and I am with her,
I.

death of a dreamsman

I have a confusing depression. It doesn't last for days or weeks, but minutes. I want to drive into the ditch and 20 minutes later I'm thinking about what's for dinner. This back and forth happens several times a day every day. Lack of sunlight helps me to see the darker side; I'm becoming my parents, I'll never have enough money to pursue my dreams, the world is full of pain and sadness and what the fuck is the point? I truly realize that any happiness I may have experienced was only because of temporary blindness to the truth, probably brought on by sunlight or some other thing making me manufacture feel good chemicals.
Perhaps winter should be when I want to kill myself, when I feel the totality of disgust for the world and my life and I can ponder it for months in the dark until I am scrubbed free of the debris of petty concerns and tired habits. I might then feel the spring as waking up, rebirth of myself to live my true potential, shaking myself free ...............bla bla bla.
I suppose if that's what winter really was for me, instead of doing everything exactly the same as always, but with a coat on and in the dark, then probably that would indicate I might already be living my dreams. But then.................

drama addiction

The fag, the princess and the dominatrix are at it again. Jesus lord, how they love to fight, and I love to watch. It doesn't seem to matter what the issue is, as long as they all have a hand in the creation....... creation of the ugly, overweight monstor called Mama Drama.
I just smile. I love the fag, the princess and the dominatrix. Not equally, but it doesn't matter.