god

enlightenment is returning to innocence without being innocent.....it's being as though you don't know when you really do........reaching a goal that you no longer have. I happened upon this realization at an age when I was still innocent and I didn't know. I figured then that I would just avoid the circle. I would stay innocent, I would never join the masses. Denial. I was corrupted before I could even form those thoughts. I was born to inherit a frightening view of god that will color my experience always. Rebellion. The first reaction to repression....like a two year old. Does the toddler know that his reaction, although passionate, is weak? It is not a sign of independence, it's only indicative of powerlessness. If a toddler had the power to choose his destiny, he would not have to rebel.
I'm tired of rebellion.
I am almost completely grateful for the ambient glow of the christmas tree in a warm house. I very nearly truly appreciate a beautiful loving relationship. I come close to losing myself in the sensuality of a perfect home cooked meal.
I try to emulate my dogs when I remember.
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This is a poem or whatever in one of my favorite books ever.........an echo of my feelings about god.........don't remember the author.....but it's on page 68 of "the shamanic way of the bee"


I
do not
believe in god
because I've never seen him.
If he wanted me to believe in him then surely
he would come in through my door saying "Here I am." But
if god is the hive and the honeybee and pollen and nectar and sun and
moon, then I believe in her and I believe in her at every moment and my life is
a prayer and a celebration and a communion with the eyes and through
the ears. I honor her by living spontaneously as a woman who
open her eyes and truly sees, and I call her the hive
and the honeybee and pollen and sun and moon.
And I love her without thinking of her, and
I think of her by seeing and hearing,
and I am with her,
I.