death of a dreamsman

I have a confusing depression. It doesn't last for days or weeks, but minutes. I want to drive into the ditch and 20 minutes later I'm thinking about what's for dinner. This back and forth happens several times a day every day. Lack of sunlight helps me to see the darker side; I'm becoming my parents, I'll never have enough money to pursue my dreams, the world is full of pain and sadness and what the fuck is the point? I truly realize that any happiness I may have experienced was only because of temporary blindness to the truth, probably brought on by sunlight or some other thing making me manufacture feel good chemicals.
Perhaps winter should be when I want to kill myself, when I feel the totality of disgust for the world and my life and I can ponder it for months in the dark until I am scrubbed free of the debris of petty concerns and tired habits. I might then feel the spring as waking up, rebirth of myself to live my true potential, shaking myself free ...............bla bla bla.
I suppose if that's what winter really was for me, instead of doing everything exactly the same as always, but with a coat on and in the dark, then probably that would indicate I might already be living my dreams. But then.................