mortgage lane
So it seems that process of coming to realize my true self and my relationship to the realities of the universe is kind of a real goose chase.
Simply, I have discovered how inadequate my attempts are. I realize I am a liar. Further, I hear everyone else as liars too. I manipulate or attempt to manipulate with virtually every single word that comes out of my mouth. Even now, my mind is trying to congratulate itself for this realization and dropping the whole subject.
I am nearly completely unaware of the various ways that I do this manipulating. Mostly, I get caught up in the fact that the person I am speaking with is manipulating me and I try to manipulate them into simply telling the truth, all the while neglecting my own shortcomings. Meanwhile I am also denying any feelings coming up during the exchange. I think I am acknowledging the feelings, but truly I am just using anger to further manipulate. I realize this later, sometimes a couple minutes or sometimes hours later. DAMN IT!!!! I did it again. Now I can see how deep this rabbit hole goes.....wait, no I can't, but I have a good idea of the first drop. But I am wanting to accept myself as I am in this moment, realizing I do not need to change to be complete, to be whole. What a mess!
An average person would likely see me as insane for all this, which is absolutely true, they might say i should just forget it and be normal. Try to focus on vacation or new cars or interesting television shows. But, I kind of feel it's too late for that. I can't go back now without some prescription drugs, which I can't afford. Which brings my mind right back to a belief I have constructed that I am a mistake. Rich people should have dilemmas like these. People who can afford time off work, if they even need to work. People who can afford yoga class and meditation class and drugs. That's a funny victim belief. Poor me, I can't afford drugs. Also, I don't think money would make this journey easier. And, compared to many people, I am rich.
Whatever. See, I get lost in pointless beliefs.
Right now, I need to go to work. Continue this journey down mortgage lane.
Simply, I have discovered how inadequate my attempts are. I realize I am a liar. Further, I hear everyone else as liars too. I manipulate or attempt to manipulate with virtually every single word that comes out of my mouth. Even now, my mind is trying to congratulate itself for this realization and dropping the whole subject.
I am nearly completely unaware of the various ways that I do this manipulating. Mostly, I get caught up in the fact that the person I am speaking with is manipulating me and I try to manipulate them into simply telling the truth, all the while neglecting my own shortcomings. Meanwhile I am also denying any feelings coming up during the exchange. I think I am acknowledging the feelings, but truly I am just using anger to further manipulate. I realize this later, sometimes a couple minutes or sometimes hours later. DAMN IT!!!! I did it again. Now I can see how deep this rabbit hole goes.....wait, no I can't, but I have a good idea of the first drop. But I am wanting to accept myself as I am in this moment, realizing I do not need to change to be complete, to be whole. What a mess!
An average person would likely see me as insane for all this, which is absolutely true, they might say i should just forget it and be normal. Try to focus on vacation or new cars or interesting television shows. But, I kind of feel it's too late for that. I can't go back now without some prescription drugs, which I can't afford. Which brings my mind right back to a belief I have constructed that I am a mistake. Rich people should have dilemmas like these. People who can afford time off work, if they even need to work. People who can afford yoga class and meditation class and drugs. That's a funny victim belief. Poor me, I can't afford drugs. Also, I don't think money would make this journey easier. And, compared to many people, I am rich.
Whatever. See, I get lost in pointless beliefs.
Right now, I need to go to work. Continue this journey down mortgage lane.
posted by hymenoptera's honey at 12:41 PM
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