of anger

because i am angry i downloaded radical honesty and i am "reading" it again.

and there is this mighty recommendation that the author makes to tell the truth to parents and lovers and bosses.

i never did such a thing.
i attempted to tell this radical truth with my husband at the time, but he was afraid.

or he didnt believe in the crazy things i was so often exploring.

   at any rate, he didn't want to attempt any of it. and i learned to think that was just fine and i went on to another thing eventually that he wouldn't have any part of either.

       the author recommends telling people in person the truth of anger and resentment...this is assuming such a thing could be done.
   the people i would like to verbally burn alive live on another continent and couldnt be bothered to answer a phone call, let alone entertain a face to face visit.

   i suppose 15 years ago the world was at least 173 times less shitty.


but, so, this might be a pointless exercise as they shall never read and possibly never hear (although life is unpredictable, i know, and weird and anything can happen) the heat inside me.
  i would love to transfer the poisonous heat inside of me to their consciousness and ears and hearts.

life is full of pointless exercises and useless actions and anyway we barely know which of any of the things might fall in this category. so, i've made my excuses. now.

fuck you, jackie. fuck your social climbing and false love. fuck your triangulating.
the way you kept angry with me but never telling the whole truth, just trading one reason for another year after year until the climax of allowing me to come to your house one day so you could use lies told to you by my demonic boyfriend to berate me, to invalidate me, to punish me, to assign to me all the awful attributes you wanted so badly to stick to me, that was the deepest cut a friend could make. and the way you wouldn't let me respond to tell you that you weren't even speaking from truth. to defend myself. to even tell you the truth. so much for knowing me for almost 20 years. so much for the countless days we spent knowing each other, and developing trust. apparently our "sisterhood" is so fragile that a man with false promises can blow in and rip it apart.
    fuck you and your stupidity and your power games to take his whispers in your ear as truth and then to spread those poisonous lies and half-truths to my friends to help cut me off from support and friendship. as if cutting me off from support could once and for all validate your anger toward me for god knows what reason.
    in my deepest pain and loneliness, you sided with my abuser and became his proxy to cut me further.
   i resent you for your armchair psychological evaluations of everyone. i resent you for the way you lashed me and then pretended to heal me afterward, as long as i didn't tell you my story or defend myself and kept to my quiet and sorrowful and deferential behaviour toward you.
     fuck you and your childish games you make everyone else play like you are the perpetual baby of the family center of attention.
    i thought what i was offering to our relationship was myself and only that. but apparently that wasn't your perspective. i owed you so much more than that.
you and that charlatan deserve each other.

    fuck you, charlatan. fuck the stinky worthless shithole corner of the planet you come from. the dusty polluted armpit cesspool where people can't even be trusted to carry their purchases through a store to the cashier. after knowing you, i know exactly why.
    the whole place is corruption and lies and bribery and manipulation. you are their perfect ambassador.
    fuck you for being born and for the parents who brought you into the world and did whatever fucked up things they must've done to you to make you like you are.
    i wish i could erase you from existence. i have never wished such a thing. if i could win a million dollars or go back to never have met you, i'd never have met you.
  i am not angry with myself for accepting you. i did it from love and openness. i kept giving you chances because that's who i am. you used me and manipulated me and abused me and kept hurting me because that's what you are. you are a living devil. you are a caricature of a person...like the archetype of evil.
  i am angry that you exist, that you came into my life and wrecked everything you could reach. fuck you and your sad manipulative life. fuck you for reaching your little tentacles into my friend circle to use them as you are incapable of standing on your own feet you fat spoiled child.
   
  and fuck you april. all those years of closeness, all those years of honesty and friendship. turned on it's head. in silence. without reason or explanation.
    i resent you for the way you always confronted me about things you felt were wrong with me, ways i was living my life wrong. i resent you for coming into my intimate space and using that closeness to poke me painfully and bluntly, but never accepting the same level of honesty from me.
 
      fuck you for saying you could broker peace between jackie and me and then instead using your inside perspective to cut me.
   fuck you the most of all. the most of all. because you were always the closest. you had the privilege of always seeing me unmasked. i was always most vulnerable with you and to you. and you walked right into my world and tipped over the furniture and then would walk away, end the conversation, change the subject. you coward. you judas. you selfish bitch.
    you are hell. the depths of hell to me.
since i discovered the fat peruvian's true nature, i have been released, not from the trauma, but from the chains. and since i discovered jackie's true heart, i feel let down and angry and betrayed. but after watching in confused pain as you turned your back without a whisper, i have lost an innocence about my belief in people. in friendship. if someone as close as you can turn her back on me and embrace a man who literally abused me without a word, then i know the world i live in is as ugly and shitty as the news reports. it is as ugly as you. which is damn ugly.