after the victim

after hundreds of hours of playing at acrobatics to converse with you
and
never
getting
anywhere
but
stuck.
after apologizing countless times at your feet, in writing, in tears
and never finding the bottom of
how
low i
was
meant
to get.
after being rejected for my failings
and then blamed for my rejection
as though i was a monster for allowing myself to be unworthy
and then a terrorist for trying to go on
how
dare
i
exist
outside
the
cage!
after you spread dangerous lies about me
to the people i love
and separated them from truth with your knife of
self interest
convincing them of your own generosity
as
you
continue
your
friendly
rape.
after i am finally starting to feel calm and happy and secure
and healed
you demand an audience with me
to see which of my strings
you
can
still
pull.
whatever happened to you that makes you like this
i am sorry for
if there were any equity or justice in the world
you would find peace and healing
or maybe burn up and be reborn as a cactus
but how would i know anything about equity and justice
i live in a universe where
a clown
became
my
president
by
losing.