magic is reborn

i know that bitterness has made a nest by the way i celebrate events that might hurt him. secretly, and guiltily. but still, i must admit that there exists a real impulse to hold his head under water.
  I have not really known this feeling before except with George W Bush, whom I dreamt of attacking a few times.
  But for a real person that I know? It's a first.
I have made a special devil of him. He is as dangerous as anyone allows him to be.  And I allowed much.

Once I knew a real healer, whatever someone wants to call him. I can barely remember the feeling of freedom opened in me that once.
  I only remember the descriptions I had for the experience.
So has adulthood eventually robbed me of magic.

So many screens, so many partial videos, so many soundbites, so much dopamine feedback. So much disappointment.
   
    There has been magic, rare, I can see as I watch others consume life void of the richness I have been gifted.
 
A long loud scream of release soaking wet in Devon, surrounded by goddesses.

A bareback ride through a quiet forest of vivid autumn colors no light show can come close to reproducing.
  A pile of women spontaneously humming in unison as a response to something I cannot even remember.
A song I wrote for my mother and cannot remember that I was flown in on mother's day to surprise sing to her in front of an audience of women.
A young man clinging to me after we had witnessed a white creature leap in the dark wilderness.

A sweet and wild blonde goddess driving with me on humid late summer nights to hear Datura speaking to us and capturing her, roots and all.

A birth. Of a boy, after 30 plus hours of some kind of manic hell that changed three of us forever.

Drawing a white wolf and then finding her the next week and letting her become my spirit guide for the next 16 years through colleges and mountain treks and boys who didn't deserve us and boys who did and apartments and share houses and our own houses and love and loss.
     So much more. Half a lifetime of riches, of depth.

 Of finding towering beehives in the darkness in the wilderness after eating magic mushrooms.

Of watching people I grew up with get married. Have babies. Raise a new generation.
 Of roads. Of planes. Of trains. Of bikes. Of horseback.

Of saying goodbye, which is the other part of saying hello. And yet I find the desire to meet new people and places and animals I will have to let go again. And I am amazed at the renewal.

         You may leave my arms and you may leave my memories and you may leave my life, but my heart only gets fuller.

Amen