for the entertainment of lilith

Once upon a time there was a girl named Camilla. She was as cute as a sleeping Tasmanian devil, as sweet as a spoonful of fresh harvested star thistle honey and as smart as a Nobel laureate.

She spent her days playing in her perfectly green grassy backyard with her puppy, her kitten, her pony and her flower fairies. At night, she slept in her canopy hammock bed underneath a glass ceiling so she could watch the stars and the moon as she fell asleep. She dreamt of flying and running over open water to save people in desperate need. She always woke up feeling satisfied, rested and above all, very very happy.

Shit, times were good.

Eventually she grew up and had to leave her blissful childhood.

But, things did not turn for the worse. Oh, no.

She met a young man as beautiful and intelligent and charming as she, and they quickly fell in sweet love and were married. They lived in an enchanting old farmhouse on the edge of the hippest city on earth where the weather was beautiful every day and everyone was reasonable and conscientious.

They both had fulfilling careers and eventually decided to bring a baby into their perfect world.

What a fucking great idea.

After Camilla brought home her perfect child, things only got better. You bet you sweet ass they did.

Little Samuel Buchanan was as cute as a skunk, as sweet as honeysuckle nectar, and as smart as a girl. Why Camilla thought it appropriate to choose Buchanan as her son's middle name is a goddamn mystery.

He was desperately happy playing with his puppy, his kitten and his pony all day and sleeping at night in his whatever-kind-of-bed-boys-like.

Camilla had various frivolous affairs with impossibly beautiful women who knew exactly where to lick and suck and how hard without her ever needing to tell them.

Her husband thought it was nice that she had so many lovely friends. Did Camilla's husband have a name? I'm sure he did. It was probably something like David or Daniel. It's not important as this is obviously a sexist kind of story. Even Camilla is quite sexist. I mean, she just wants to fuck women behind poor Daniel's back. He would probably like to know, he might want to get involved sometimes or at least be able to brag about it to his friends. But, for Christ's sake, she named her own son Samuel BUCHANAN, I mean, who does that?

Anyway, due to all the gratuitous sex and the perfect life, Camilla aged extremely gracefully and eventually retired and then, well, who really cares after that? Stories that begin with once upon a time do not, as a general rule, extend beyond retirement. Probably because we all know what's coming.

And so that, my dear friend, is the sweet fucking end.

That is the triple chocolate cappuccino fudge mint marijuana brownie you are due for. Eat up, and don't try to drive home if there is a blizzard out. You're likely to get paranoid and lost.

Love you