bones and teeth

I have been thinking about this blog today, just moments that flash into the background of my day.....the past posts, the past life.
There is a delusional part of me that likes to believe we could return to some past life moment just like some part of me thinks somehow I will work out a way to see myself in actual reality, not just in a mirror or photo. The limiting truth is that I will never really know what my back and butt look like in 3D, like other people can. And I cannot go back to any part of my past. At all.
It's so weird to me that I am the one to live in the body, to experience it, to be it's handler, to merge together so completely and yet I never get to really see it. Only everyone else can.

Moving on. At first, settling back into my life in Sydney felt ok, if strange and new and wonderful and bright. Like coming home all brand new.
But now, after a week, I feel like I am trying to wear the old shoes and the old clothes and they just do not fit right.
The old life served a purpose for me somehow, but now I can feel deeply how it isn't really mine, it's just what was available.

But I trust now that this new calling will meet me with opportunity to answer, just like the old calling did.

I told a friend tonight, that it wasn't so much like letting go of the wheel of my life, but realizing I am forever driving partially blind, and I have to listen to the knowing voice who can see much better than I....turn left, slow down, stop.

What are the resources available to me? What are my real options? How can I best use them to follow the path of my highest purpose?
And!

A lesson I shall not soon forget....just because it is the heart's path, just because it is the highest purpose, it does not mean it will be easy or smooth, or that really hard decisions won't have to be made about what can stay and what must be let go of.
I feel that every happy ending only leads to another test, which leads to further growth, which may lead to another happy ending.
And so the larger, over arching idea is to find peace within that ebb and flow.
Not only wishing for another sunny day.
At this junction, my cynicism is at an all time low. I feel like I have tested it's foundations and found them rotten. And instead I am resting in the synchonicity hammock of trust.
Wow.
There's some metaphor chaos.
I think I can go to sleep now. Hurray.

My deepest love and brightest smile to you, dear past. I carry you in my cells, you are my bones and teeth.

dawn

My father is a true democrat, not the party, but the idea of democracy.
I am very grateful that he bestowed this sense to me of fairness and openness, of innocent trust in simple honesty working out for everyone's benefit. It was a lucky thing to be raised by a Libra father.
On his blog, he just outlined the budget for the church, in which he details the raise that was suggested for him and my brother, down to the dollar amount each week and the yearly increase of salary in general.
What a concept. I would adore a world where the business world was so open....and I knew what my boss made, what the company profited, and what things were purchased/improved.
It would be difficult to under or over pay in that scenario, which may bring about a greater sense of trust and camaraderie and....well. Anyway.

I just returned from the trip of synchronicity. There were countless moments of being so in the flow that I could know things without knowing them, of meeting people who knew my April, my Lynn, and who worked at the same bee operation in New Zealand that I did. People who knew people here in Oz studying shadow yoga, who had moved from another island country to study it.
The bliss of relaxation was tremendous....being around a band of travelling bodyworkers and yoga students and the like was a coming home to my own tribe. And coming home to my own tribe, being recognized by them...well, that reminded me that I belong in the world. I have been floating in a city of image and money, but now, it all looks different to me. I see the beneath and the behind. And I love myself anew, which means I can love all of them.
I knew all this was lurking. When I met Jorge, which was because I met Trevor, which was because I met Paul, I knew there was something waiting for me, a red life, a passionate purpose, a livening path. And when I heard of shadow yoga, I was mysteriously drawn and it is the dance I have always wanted to become.
Tonight, my teacher asked me if I was interested in teacher training. And this is how I knew it would have to be.
It is like I walked through the darkest night and it is finally morning and I can see that there are gifts of infinite beauty right at my feet.
There isn't much in between me and my dreams and I feel so much trust, that whatever is there I know will just be there to strengthen and sharpen and refine me. I newly trust in perfect timing when I answer the deepest calls of my heart.

So many opportunities this year.

I looked at pics of Chris today. With love and detachment. And, in a way, it is what I always wanted.

I hope it all worked out for him as well as it did for me and I wish him endless beauty. Someday I hope we will be friends again. There won't ever be anyone I love like I love him. Thank Goddess, one is enough.