study blues

 All of my life I have wanted to be able to stay somewhere and study. Well, the "stay somewhere" part was a problem. So, I moved places and studied things. Many things. In many places. Realizing that I was going to be stuck in this dry foreign country for a few years more due to a love I couldn't walk away from, I started to study an actual full degree program. I'm now 3 years in. 

It is many times worse that what I imagined, and I do not blame my younger self at all for never settling down enough to do something this horrible. COVID has not really made it worse. Possibly some see it that way, I'm sure, but my expectations are now in the toilet, so it would take something more than a global pandemic to make it worse. I actually have felt my brain change, and not necessarily in ways I find desirable. That just adds to the ways my brain has changed from being in a country I do not like surrounded by people who make little sense to me, separated from deep connection and love for years.

Possibly these changes are for the good, they definitely make me feel more likely to conform with less struggle, whatever that's good for. I'm more tired generally, dull, uninspired. I'm not exactly sure if this is the purpose of university or if it just effects my brain that way?