instinct

did i wish for this? have i won some lottery and i just haven't found the place where this currency has value?
  i thought i did once, have the world right in my hands, right in my heart, right in my sights. and i am no match for the world.

  and now i have learned, without trying, to be more numb, to have thicker, softer layers, to not be bleeding out all over the place. i feel things, but not for long.
   or maybe it's not true. maybe it's something else. maybe i feel all night long in my dreams of spiders and death and drownings.
  i woke up yelling the other night. shouting "no!" over and over.

       i have not gotten over losing the world, or crushing it in my hands, whichever it was that happened. i cannot tell.
        in the aftermath of losing what cannot be lost, i am a wolf again. like i was when i was a child. like i was when i left home. like i was.
 
            every day i listen for the instincts. every morning. every evening.
tears
changing mind
creating boundaries
reaching out
resting in the cave
hunting when i'm hungry
smelling danger
smelling my pack mates, watching them, feeling them

  i realized a sort of love today. a new aspect. if nothing else comes from this re-instinctualizing but new flavors of love, then it is enough.