kung fu

I think I have been in a state of anxiety since sometime in 2011. That's a long time, considering the length of a human life.

    I have had some pretty blissful moments in these years, some really high moments, and some perfect days and I have experienced a Love which flooded all my rivers, crossed all my bridges, occupied all my territory and made my whole landscape an unrecognizable nation of One.

   But in all this bliss, and indeed happiness even, the anxiety has never really calmed.

I have a realization....that I have been drinking water I have been led to, wearing clothes that were bought for me, reading texts recommended and calling it my life.
  Sort of.

I think I made a really big move those few years ago, I pulled out all my wild dreams and most courageous hopes and blew them in front of me like fairy dust and followed where the wind took them.
   And I woke up one day in a life I didn't recognize or like.  I kept waking up in that life determined to create meaning from my missteps if it was the last thing I did. And I sometimes hoped it would be.
                               Then.
     I don't know how exactly I hurt the Love when it came, or why.
I mean, I know the details of how and I can rationalize why.
           But really, in the day to day, I know I showed up every moment for it.
   I emptied my closets and replaced it all with Love. I bought Love shoes and wore Love glasses and I ate Love for every meal and slept in Love sheets.  Love kidneys filtered my blood.

    And that's it, too. I drowned myself in Love. As if Love could do my breathing for me.
How could I know? How could I be intelligent in the face of such beauty?

                              *************************************

      Tonight, I did a different thing. Tonight I entered a space that I found for myself, that I have been drawn to alone. And it welcomed me in.
     Tonight, I performed as only myself and did and said exactly what I felt was correct. And with allegiance to only my inner authority, I felt liked. And wanted. And relaxed.

     It's hard to say why I have ever done anything else, except to understand how that I lost trust in myself when the fairy dust of my biggest dreams left me stranded and bleeding.


Like a little bit of magic, love still came with me, unexpectedly kissing me on the cheek when I was paying attention to something else.
   
       Tonight, I remembered what it's like to feel liked and accepted. And it has been medicine to my heart.