the magic I know

The man sitting next to me on the flight from La Guardia to Atlanta asked me if I was home. No, I said I had one more flight into Detroit. It was 9:30 pm and he said he was sorry for me.
We talked a bit and I told him I'd started in Sydney a week before and somehow we ended up talking about New Zealand.

One of the last meals that I shared with the women at Sacred Trust, I went outside to sit and sat down next to Naomi and Kate. We talked a little bit, everyone talked a little bit. Naomi asked me where I lived, shocked at my answer.
Then somehow we ended up talking about New Zealand. Kate had believed that I lived there. "in my heart I do"
Naomi had heard that it was getting too managed there. And I was defending my love in a flash.

These women had, the evening before, in an event not to be discussed for another 11 months and 2 weeks and 6 days, found me. They offered a line and I wept.

"We are throwing out a line" they warned. And at the mention, I felt the call. Not subtle. And I knew it was my line. I knew I had to reach for it. And I waited. Then one moment, my pen moved from what it was writing and I accepted the most sacred invitation. I put my name on paper and I walked alone to the bowl holding the flame.
They were there inside, speaking. And they stopped when I entered. Naomi thanked me. I left.

These were the two women I saw first upon arrival. They were so young and vibrant and walking the dog, Jack, out onto the land. I loved on him and he stopped.

When the 3 names were being announced, my heart raced. It took years for the three names to be spoken. Upon hearing the second name, I was relieved to think I wasn't going to be called, and terrified that I had mistaken this as my chance. Then it was my name. For the infinity of times in that 5 days, time ceased. I floated. And yet I was pinned down.
In a blink, my name was called again, for an impossible task.

And then I began to bleed.


Upon my first entering the little shop of handmade things and books, the "first shaman" shirt with the stag stood out to me.

My first walk onto the land led me into the hiding place of a pheasant and then into some evergreens where a young stag stays. We met.

Just after I began to bleed, I felt compelled to walk out through the little used and generally closed front door of the shop. I walked to the wooden fence which separated me from a decent sized overgrown meadow. Just then a large adult stag came bounding through the meadow toward me. He came to the fence and stopped, facing me directly. I held out my hands to him and we shared an infinity. He turned to his right and bounded away.

There are many encounters to record. Unrecordable wonders.

For now, I can drum up the endless moment which shall be and is forever reaching into my present.....that moment when the line was cast into the dark ocean I have been treading in for aeons. There was a sound of the beginning of time, there was darkness. There I was drowning. They shocked me into the reality of my drowning and given the clear choice, the deepest and strongest root of my bee-ing grabbed hold and shook off the cold and sang. I sang. My throat vibrated the sound of birth and life and triumph. I sang for an endless amount of timelessness. And then I was back. I was in the warm and sweet afterglow of realized love. I gazed into breathing stars that eclipsed all. I wrapped my arms around the great goddess at my back.

And later, I fell in love with her. Which was exactly falling in love with myself.

They found me. They brought me home. This is the home that I can never leave. The hive is me, I carry it in my heart. The hive is my heart. I am home.

The horses are calling. And I will no longer say no.