Well, this transit I've been reading is apparently going to be over with by mid-September, and it is the last transit of these last couple years that has been dirty and difficult.
Now, with all this difficulty of course is opportunity to purify, to earth down, to empty out, to burn up. And have I done enough? Have I done anything right? And who can judge?
None of these answers are clear.
My chattering mind has been demoniacally loud and overwhelming. Sometimes, when it turns my inner world to such vast darkness that I find myself contemplating the merits of various forms of suicide, I search for that small voice telling me that I am not my mind. I am more than it. It does not hold the whole truth. It's perspective is small and limited and driven by fear. It over-emphasizes the importance of itself and of my self.
Ok. I try not to take it too seriously. I let myself cry. I accept that I am weaker than I'd like, than I imagine myself to be.
I come back to a theme that I do not seem to be intelligent enough to outdo. And without obvious resources for professional help, I rely on my own ability.
Basically the theme is failure.

With my limited perspective, but with all the care I could take, I chose a field of study, a group of friends, a mate, a place to live and a dream.
And with my again limited perspective, it looks as though every of of those choices has only led to suffering and loss.
This causes pain of course, but also brings me a sense that I have wasted my energy, considerable amounts of it, on things that have left me completely vulnerable and virtually valueless. I guess the obvious conclusion is that I must begin again. From scratch. And this brings me to question if it is possible to let go of this sense of failure and loss and all the other things like betrayal and deprivation and disillusionment, cynicism, anger and on and on.....is is really possible to be clean of that and start again? Like, I want to think of some one who has been through something I'd be convinced is similarly devastating and has come out without nagging baggage.
And I want to find out how they did it.

Once I believed I had precious gifts to give the world. And I thought I would find a way to give them. Looking around, it seems like most of us live and die without ever realizing that, given the serious obstacles most of us must face.
I don't just want a new way or a new path, I want a new perspective. One that will replace what was an innocent child-like belief that everything will be alright if I just follow my heart with a more practical understanding that will maybe engage the intelligence I do possess to actually move me to fulfill some potential.

love and kisses to my self, the only one I have left to nurture